Since December 19, 2004

The plan was to break up with him. Instead, we went browsing for dresses and bands.

Last night was not okay. He told me he wanted to use me. His exact words "I just want to use you." Every 10 minutes or so he would whisper "Maybe I should just move to the other bed and let you sleep." He never did. Whether he knew it or not (and I think that he did), he was waiting for me to say something like "okay" or "you don't have to move" or anything that he could possibly construe as any type of yes. I didn't. I said nothing. I know he knew how I felt about things because he kept saying over and over "I don't want to hurt you, I know you don't want to," and things of that nature.
He did anyway.
So the plan was to break up with him. We went browsing for things for the wedding.

I did speak to him though. That's something, right? I told him he had to start seeing the therapist that the provost told him to. He had to. He just raised his eyebrows and looked away. I wish he could look at himself and realize how depressed he is and how much his depression is affecting his actions and choices, and how much those are affecting me.

I told him Tuesday that I was sick of being his whore, his slut, his toy. I told him it wasn't right and it wasn't okay. We almost broke up because of how upset I was.
He still told me he wanted to use me, and he still did.
"Tell me if I'm hurting you, okay? Say okay."
Hurt is more than just your weight on my stomach, the friction of your leg against my unhealed hip.
Unlike beauty, hurt goes way beyond skin-deep.

You keep promising to be better. And things get better for a little while, at least.

And then bad again.

How long is it going to be until you start hitting me again? You want me to trust you. You get angry when I don't.

Would you trust the man who repeatedly raped you, saying sorry once in a while but regardless doing it again?

I wish I had the courage, the ability, to say this to your face.

I do love you. I do. I also hate you. I do.

I think long ago I reached the point of accepting this as normal.

You said last night with tears in your eyes "You said a few days ago that I had broken you." Yes, you did. Isn't that what you wanted? Wasn't that why you broke my nose, my cheekbone, my eye socket? Isn't that why you tied me down and blindfolded me, made me say those things?
You acted so upset.
You still went ahead and raped me again.







East on Sunrise Highway... Left off Carmen Avenue... Turn right at the first stop sign...